I was going to start a new blog and simply entitle it "My Personal Journey Through The Book Of Mormon", but I decided to add it to this, my primary blog, simply because this is all part of my "Personal Search for Happiness". Inspiration to do this came to me while sitting in Priesthood meeting (Elder's Quorum) today, 4 January 2015.
Thank you to everyone who is choosing to follow along on this adventure with me (if there is any). As a small disclaimer, I would like to apologize up front if I offend anyone with any of my writings in this blog. Please know that my intentions are purely and solely to express my personal impressions, feelings, and promptings that I receive while exploring into this somewhat unknown territory for me. Let me explain.
I was born Under the Covenant (meaning, I was born a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), was baptized at age 8 (on my birthday!), have served in many callings, have even taught lessons in Sunday School and the like... But, admittedly, I have never read The Book of Mormon from beginning to end. I know, I know -- this must come as a shock to at least some of you -- but it's nonetheless true.
I plan to take a much different, possibly unique approach this time. I will start reading the book with the intention of keeping a running journal of thoughts, feelings, impressions, promptings, explorations into footnotes and why. Once I've come to a point where I feel I have enough material to update this blog, I will do so. This will continue until I have successfully journeyed through the entire book. The posts will not be on a schedule, but as I'm impressed to embark on further study, rest assured there will be subsequent posts as often as I am able. This to state that this will not be a daily, or weekly, or maybe even monthly blog... but that I will do my best (as I am far more interested this go around) in pushing through... and hopefully at a decent pace.
With the aforementioned being said, I invite you to come with me as I explore this book. I can't promise that you will personally gain testimony from anything that I write, but I can promise that I am working on being guided by the Spirit in these writings... so I'm hoping together we can internalize messages put forth in this great book. These things I pray, in the holy name of Jesus Christ.
Stay tuned for Part 1.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Monotony Sets In.
Yes. The word that mostly describes my attitude towards life at the moment is...monotony. Every day seems much the same--at least Monday through Friday when I'm endlessly required to wake up early in the morning, shower, have a quick breakfast, take my vitamins and start on the road to another day at the office. Alas, this is just simply the nature of any job though... every responsible human being that is charged with the task of being a "bread winner" feels this to some extent I'm sure. I'd be willing to bet that there are few jobs out there that are exciting and different enough that monotony is hardly a common internalization.
So, as the primary bread winner of my family currently, I pose the question to the universe: "Is there any way to combat this monotony and limit its occurrences...?"
It's not that I'm not "happy" or "content" with my life at the moment. I have many things to be thankful for every single day of my life! Anyone will tell you "it's NATURAL to feel monotony in many instances of life"--and though I agree, there must be some common ways to combat these feelings of "the grind" to create a more fulfilling work/life experience...!
I really do try to change it up at work so that it doesn't get so bad--most of the time. One day I'll be working on fixing things around the showroom, the next I'll be working on quotes/bids almost all day long, the next I'll be working on improving our bidding software's configuration and functionality, all the time having my number one priority being creating quotes/bids for our salesmen. There's really not enough to keep us both busy doing bids all day long though... which is kind of where the monotony sits in. Every bid is different enough that if I were doing that all day, I wouldn't mind it so much--as keeping busy doing SOMETHING all day prevents these feelings rather well.. There does need to be a balance, but I feel that the more busy I am, and the more important I feel to the workflow, the better I perform overall. I really should feel important here--I do have a lot of unique responsibilities--I think maybe it's the psychology of feeling like you're making what you're worth while facing such monotonous circumstances.
I don't make enough for what I do. Yes, I'm just starting out in the industry, but what I do requires knowledge that most people just don't get as easily. PLUS, with my digital media degree, I've been naturally more able to take on additional responsibilities within the structure here. I've brought up my concerns to my manager, Chris Porter, but he's very cunning in keeping me where I'm at. He agrees that we (Peak, Chris, myself) should strive to get me paid more... but he doesn't feel I'm worth more at the moment. The reasoning used was that I'm gone a lot--whether I'm out for personal or familial reasons, or that I have Guard, or that even when I'm here, if I have stuff going on at home, it shows here. He made it sound that neither he, nor Peak holds the fact that I'm in the National Guard against me... but it doesn't bode well for me when adding in all the other absences. The perception with everything considered is that I'm not as committed to what we're doing here as what they (Peak) would like to see. So, Chris says if we can shift that perception I have a chance at getting rewarded for my additional responsibilities. He says that my job description hasn't changed much since I started here (he obviously is overlooking my recent additional responsibilities such as showroom technician, and Quotewerks (our new software) expert. Oh well, maybe someday I'll actually make what I'm worth.
Company's are in a position right now though that they can really pay their employees whatever they want--the Company is already paying them for doing what they're doing, and out of fear of losing their job, most employees just take what they get, do what is expected of them, and just move on making what they made when they were originally hired. I refuse to keep going at this rate. Not only do I barely make enough for my wife and I to survive... I've worked for long enough that I'm worth more with my current skill set. I'm really hoping that Argenta gives me a call to offer me a position with the company starting somewhere between $35-40k.... that way it'll give me the option of making what I'm worth while having a shorter drive to work, and with more opportunities to show my abilities and to earn raises before too long... who knows, I could even become an executive there with the other guys. Here's to hoping.
If I made more in my current position, maybe I'd be more okay with things being so monotonous--or if I were a little more busy doing what I was hired to do--bids. Oh well. The only thing I've found that I can do is just be grateful that I have a job--so that I'm at least making a living and supporting my family in some ways. It all seems to be worth the monotony when thinking of it in that way. I love you Bethany.
So, as the primary bread winner of my family currently, I pose the question to the universe: "Is there any way to combat this monotony and limit its occurrences...?"
It's not that I'm not "happy" or "content" with my life at the moment. I have many things to be thankful for every single day of my life! Anyone will tell you "it's NATURAL to feel monotony in many instances of life"--and though I agree, there must be some common ways to combat these feelings of "the grind" to create a more fulfilling work/life experience...!
I really do try to change it up at work so that it doesn't get so bad--most of the time. One day I'll be working on fixing things around the showroom, the next I'll be working on quotes/bids almost all day long, the next I'll be working on improving our bidding software's configuration and functionality, all the time having my number one priority being creating quotes/bids for our salesmen. There's really not enough to keep us both busy doing bids all day long though... which is kind of where the monotony sits in. Every bid is different enough that if I were doing that all day, I wouldn't mind it so much--as keeping busy doing SOMETHING all day prevents these feelings rather well.. There does need to be a balance, but I feel that the more busy I am, and the more important I feel to the workflow, the better I perform overall. I really should feel important here--I do have a lot of unique responsibilities--I think maybe it's the psychology of feeling like you're making what you're worth while facing such monotonous circumstances.
I don't make enough for what I do. Yes, I'm just starting out in the industry, but what I do requires knowledge that most people just don't get as easily. PLUS, with my digital media degree, I've been naturally more able to take on additional responsibilities within the structure here. I've brought up my concerns to my manager, Chris Porter, but he's very cunning in keeping me where I'm at. He agrees that we (Peak, Chris, myself) should strive to get me paid more... but he doesn't feel I'm worth more at the moment. The reasoning used was that I'm gone a lot--whether I'm out for personal or familial reasons, or that I have Guard, or that even when I'm here, if I have stuff going on at home, it shows here. He made it sound that neither he, nor Peak holds the fact that I'm in the National Guard against me... but it doesn't bode well for me when adding in all the other absences. The perception with everything considered is that I'm not as committed to what we're doing here as what they (Peak) would like to see. So, Chris says if we can shift that perception I have a chance at getting rewarded for my additional responsibilities. He says that my job description hasn't changed much since I started here (he obviously is overlooking my recent additional responsibilities such as showroom technician, and Quotewerks (our new software) expert. Oh well, maybe someday I'll actually make what I'm worth.
Company's are in a position right now though that they can really pay their employees whatever they want--the Company is already paying them for doing what they're doing, and out of fear of losing their job, most employees just take what they get, do what is expected of them, and just move on making what they made when they were originally hired. I refuse to keep going at this rate. Not only do I barely make enough for my wife and I to survive... I've worked for long enough that I'm worth more with my current skill set. I'm really hoping that Argenta gives me a call to offer me a position with the company starting somewhere between $35-40k.... that way it'll give me the option of making what I'm worth while having a shorter drive to work, and with more opportunities to show my abilities and to earn raises before too long... who knows, I could even become an executive there with the other guys. Here's to hoping.
If I made more in my current position, maybe I'd be more okay with things being so monotonous--or if I were a little more busy doing what I was hired to do--bids. Oh well. The only thing I've found that I can do is just be grateful that I have a job--so that I'm at least making a living and supporting my family in some ways. It all seems to be worth the monotony when thinking of it in that way. I love you Bethany.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Goals & Aspirations
I have become increasingly goal-oriented, especially as of late. With so many trying circumstances going on in my life, I can't help but stop and think deeply about my deep-down goals & aspirations, which I hope to attain in this life--both immediate and far-reaching. Instead of starting with top-priority goals like family, church, etc. I'm starting with what's most immediately on my mind at the moment, then working my way through my mind to get everything down.
What's most immediate on my mind today is Audio Production. My brothers and I have recently recorded a 5 song EP album (Extended Play. There are three different type of "albums" that can be released--well, two--one is a Single, then Extended Play--2-7 songs, and Long Play--8+ songs). We are in the final stages of production, and I anticipate we should be ready for a release within the next couple of weeks--maybe sooner. We have album artwork, a band logo, and we have some pretty good songs to start with. We're not doing a full-scale release with this one, but it's mainly to get our name and brand out there (and style). Once we're completely done with this one, we start preparations for our 10+ song album we plan on releasing Spring 2014. There are many things that went great with the album, and a few things not-so-great. I am very happy with how it turned it out, but, as an analyst I have to set goals for the next album that I didn't feel were hit on this one. Here they are:
1. Audio interface/converter. One thing I notice about the album is that even though it sounds great and full, I can immediately tell the difference between our stuff and stuff that was recorded and produced using better converters (like Falling in Reverse "Fashionably Late" album). Better converters just make it sound bigger, fuller, with better stereo imaging, accuracy and consistency. I have always wanted a better interface. I am stuck with a M-Audio Profire 2626, and not only does it have sub-par converters, it's dying on me. I've thought about modding it with Black Lion Audio, but I'm no so sure that's the best thing, since converter technology has evolved since Black Lion's mod, and if I'm going to upgrade, I want it to be a significant one.... like an Apogee Symphony. But alas, for this next album, I'll probably just want to get one that just WORKS on both Apple and PC... I'm still looking at the Focusrite Forte, but am open to other options. I'll probably end up selling something I have and buying it. I also need to upgrade my computer, but that'll have to wait--this one will suffice to get the LP done. After that, my ultimate goal is to have an Apogee Symphony running into a brand new MacBook Pro with a core i7 processor (or stronger), running into Pro Tools 11 (or the newest when I choose to upgrade). Alas, dreaming again.
2. Slate Digital. I have been using Steven Slate Drums for a little while now, and definitely now that I have the signature kits, I absolutely LOVE his products. I will be investing more in his products, and I definitely want his mastering compressor FG-X. After the LP we'll be recording to release in Spring, I will be saving for more slate digital products, but we'll see how the audio industry changes by the time I'm ready to buy again.
3. Vocoder and Vocalizer software. I will be searching for the best of the best, and most flexible. We want to have the ability to make our vocals sound digital and catchy--pitching better to a digital generation.
These are things I hope to have when we go to record the LP album. Not only will it make our sound better, but it will make the process go faster with less hiccups. It seems the battle of an audio engineer is to effectively eliminate as much work as possible in the chain while preserving performance and ensuring the highest caliber sound. Though it is possible to achieve decent sound without the best signal chain, it takes triple (sometimes more) the time and effort, and it's just less desirable for both the engineer and the artist. So, moving on.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have always had a very deep conviction to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My biggest (and, I'm sure I'm not alone in this) beef with the Church is not the Church itself, or the leaders at the top... it's the people near the bottom (like me) who feel like they know church doctrine and feel like they can judge others because they don't have as many serious sins in their recent history--or whatever the reason may be. I know I'm judging them for their judging me and others, but it's just human nature. That's exactly why I can move past it and keep pushing forward with the Church and trying to get the Gospel of Jesus Christ more present in my life. I can't judge them too harshly, because I become them. I'm doing this because I don't want to consciously allow anything or anyone else to get in the way of my eternal progression. It will still happen, but not while I can avoid it. So, the sins with which I am wrestling shall remain in speculation to the public. Nobody but me needs to know. How is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" a "goal"? Well, it's simple. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the Lord's Church on the Earth today. It IS the vessel of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's not easy to be an active member, but the best things in life don't come easy (so they say). I want nothing more than to be as happy as I can possibly be in this life--and from what I've found, following the precepts and concepts of the Gospel within the Church brings the most blessing and happiness. Not only that, but I will stop at nothing to take my sweetheart Bethany to the temple. Which leads me to my next ultimate goal:
I WILL take Bethany Childress to the temple of our God to be sealed for time and all Eternity. There is nothing that means more to me at this point in my life. I have found my other half, and I'll be damned if I fail and lose her. Enough with the negative, however... I will not lose her because I am consciously starting to take a stronger stand with the situation. This will test my every fiber, but I am determined. It WILL happen, we WILL make it there, and we will be the happiest eternally married couple to ever have stepped foot in the temple (at least in our eyes haha).
Career. I got offered a job with Vivint, but I really hope I don't have to actually work there. I start on August 5, IF I don't get hired elsewhere before then. I'm planning on calling Justin at 4Home Control here shortly, but I kind of have a feeling that they won't be able to hire me back on for some time. I also applied and interviewed at Peak Audio & Video... I wouldn't mind working at either place, but like I was discussing with my mom recently, my list of top to bottom of where I would like to work is as follows:
1. Argenta (4Home Control)
2. Peak Audio & Video
3. Blue Host
4. Vivint
I really hope I get Anything on that list other than Vivint. If not, I will suffer until I can find something better.
Ultimately, I just want to do something in Audio/Video, just like I have always said. I have a Bachelor of Science in Digital Media, which it not turning out to be very impressive to prospective employers. Which is what leads me to my next goal, or aspiration.. whatever.
I want to get a specialized Master's degree. I'm leaning more towards the Media Forensics program at UC Denver, but I'm also considering the Recording Arts program there, or the Media Arts and Technology program at UC Santa Barbara. Those are my top three. One problem is that one requires the GRE and one the GMAT (these are graduate entry exams). That's why I'm leaning more towards the Forensics program because it doesn't require either. It's a "hybrid" program, which means that it is mostly online, but they still meet once a week for classes on campus. So, another small obstacle is that I'll have to uproot to Colorado for a couple of years. I just thought of something though... there may be a possibility I can do inactive duty for two years and put my six year re-commitment on hold... I don't think I can do that though because when I resigned, I only resigned for six, and I think that erased the two inactive year requirement. I hope it's still a possibility though--that would save me TONS of money of having to go back and forth for drills to Utah.
Being financially secure is also among the top priorities on my list, though I feel it's also one of the things I've struggled with fairly constantly over the span of my adult life. I started with debt very early, got out of it, got married--which put me back into it, and now I'm struggling again to dig myself out. It doesn't help that I'm currently unemployed, but it also doesn't help that I was expecting to be making a lot more since I have a Bachelor's degree. Oh well. I guess the struggle will continue for some time... but I will eventually be debt-free. The goal is within the next 3 years to have not one iota of debt left. Except maybe school loans--which up to $45k will be paid back by the National Guard anyway if I get my master's degree within the next 3-5 years. If I can get my specialized master's, I will in no doubt have a starting salary in the 60k range, with a potential to grow to well over 100k a year. Financial freedom will happen for me...hopefully sooner than later.
What's most immediate on my mind today is Audio Production. My brothers and I have recently recorded a 5 song EP album (Extended Play. There are three different type of "albums" that can be released--well, two--one is a Single, then Extended Play--2-7 songs, and Long Play--8+ songs). We are in the final stages of production, and I anticipate we should be ready for a release within the next couple of weeks--maybe sooner. We have album artwork, a band logo, and we have some pretty good songs to start with. We're not doing a full-scale release with this one, but it's mainly to get our name and brand out there (and style). Once we're completely done with this one, we start preparations for our 10+ song album we plan on releasing Spring 2014. There are many things that went great with the album, and a few things not-so-great. I am very happy with how it turned it out, but, as an analyst I have to set goals for the next album that I didn't feel were hit on this one. Here they are:
1. Audio interface/converter. One thing I notice about the album is that even though it sounds great and full, I can immediately tell the difference between our stuff and stuff that was recorded and produced using better converters (like Falling in Reverse "Fashionably Late" album). Better converters just make it sound bigger, fuller, with better stereo imaging, accuracy and consistency. I have always wanted a better interface. I am stuck with a M-Audio Profire 2626, and not only does it have sub-par converters, it's dying on me. I've thought about modding it with Black Lion Audio, but I'm no so sure that's the best thing, since converter technology has evolved since Black Lion's mod, and if I'm going to upgrade, I want it to be a significant one.... like an Apogee Symphony. But alas, for this next album, I'll probably just want to get one that just WORKS on both Apple and PC... I'm still looking at the Focusrite Forte, but am open to other options. I'll probably end up selling something I have and buying it. I also need to upgrade my computer, but that'll have to wait--this one will suffice to get the LP done. After that, my ultimate goal is to have an Apogee Symphony running into a brand new MacBook Pro with a core i7 processor (or stronger), running into Pro Tools 11 (or the newest when I choose to upgrade). Alas, dreaming again.
2. Slate Digital. I have been using Steven Slate Drums for a little while now, and definitely now that I have the signature kits, I absolutely LOVE his products. I will be investing more in his products, and I definitely want his mastering compressor FG-X. After the LP we'll be recording to release in Spring, I will be saving for more slate digital products, but we'll see how the audio industry changes by the time I'm ready to buy again.
3. Vocoder and Vocalizer software. I will be searching for the best of the best, and most flexible. We want to have the ability to make our vocals sound digital and catchy--pitching better to a digital generation.
These are things I hope to have when we go to record the LP album. Not only will it make our sound better, but it will make the process go faster with less hiccups. It seems the battle of an audio engineer is to effectively eliminate as much work as possible in the chain while preserving performance and ensuring the highest caliber sound. Though it is possible to achieve decent sound without the best signal chain, it takes triple (sometimes more) the time and effort, and it's just less desirable for both the engineer and the artist. So, moving on.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have always had a very deep conviction to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My biggest (and, I'm sure I'm not alone in this) beef with the Church is not the Church itself, or the leaders at the top... it's the people near the bottom (like me) who feel like they know church doctrine and feel like they can judge others because they don't have as many serious sins in their recent history--or whatever the reason may be. I know I'm judging them for their judging me and others, but it's just human nature. That's exactly why I can move past it and keep pushing forward with the Church and trying to get the Gospel of Jesus Christ more present in my life. I can't judge them too harshly, because I become them. I'm doing this because I don't want to consciously allow anything or anyone else to get in the way of my eternal progression. It will still happen, but not while I can avoid it. So, the sins with which I am wrestling shall remain in speculation to the public. Nobody but me needs to know. How is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" a "goal"? Well, it's simple. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the Lord's Church on the Earth today. It IS the vessel of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's not easy to be an active member, but the best things in life don't come easy (so they say). I want nothing more than to be as happy as I can possibly be in this life--and from what I've found, following the precepts and concepts of the Gospel within the Church brings the most blessing and happiness. Not only that, but I will stop at nothing to take my sweetheart Bethany to the temple. Which leads me to my next ultimate goal:
I WILL take Bethany Childress to the temple of our God to be sealed for time and all Eternity. There is nothing that means more to me at this point in my life. I have found my other half, and I'll be damned if I fail and lose her. Enough with the negative, however... I will not lose her because I am consciously starting to take a stronger stand with the situation. This will test my every fiber, but I am determined. It WILL happen, we WILL make it there, and we will be the happiest eternally married couple to ever have stepped foot in the temple (at least in our eyes haha).
Career. I got offered a job with Vivint, but I really hope I don't have to actually work there. I start on August 5, IF I don't get hired elsewhere before then. I'm planning on calling Justin at 4Home Control here shortly, but I kind of have a feeling that they won't be able to hire me back on for some time. I also applied and interviewed at Peak Audio & Video... I wouldn't mind working at either place, but like I was discussing with my mom recently, my list of top to bottom of where I would like to work is as follows:
1. Argenta (4Home Control)
2. Peak Audio & Video
3. Blue Host
4. Vivint
I really hope I get Anything on that list other than Vivint. If not, I will suffer until I can find something better.
Ultimately, I just want to do something in Audio/Video, just like I have always said. I have a Bachelor of Science in Digital Media, which it not turning out to be very impressive to prospective employers. Which is what leads me to my next goal, or aspiration.. whatever.
I want to get a specialized Master's degree. I'm leaning more towards the Media Forensics program at UC Denver, but I'm also considering the Recording Arts program there, or the Media Arts and Technology program at UC Santa Barbara. Those are my top three. One problem is that one requires the GRE and one the GMAT (these are graduate entry exams). That's why I'm leaning more towards the Forensics program because it doesn't require either. It's a "hybrid" program, which means that it is mostly online, but they still meet once a week for classes on campus. So, another small obstacle is that I'll have to uproot to Colorado for a couple of years. I just thought of something though... there may be a possibility I can do inactive duty for two years and put my six year re-commitment on hold... I don't think I can do that though because when I resigned, I only resigned for six, and I think that erased the two inactive year requirement. I hope it's still a possibility though--that would save me TONS of money of having to go back and forth for drills to Utah.
Being financially secure is also among the top priorities on my list, though I feel it's also one of the things I've struggled with fairly constantly over the span of my adult life. I started with debt very early, got out of it, got married--which put me back into it, and now I'm struggling again to dig myself out. It doesn't help that I'm currently unemployed, but it also doesn't help that I was expecting to be making a lot more since I have a Bachelor's degree. Oh well. I guess the struggle will continue for some time... but I will eventually be debt-free. The goal is within the next 3 years to have not one iota of debt left. Except maybe school loans--which up to $45k will be paid back by the National Guard anyway if I get my master's degree within the next 3-5 years. If I can get my specialized master's, I will in no doubt have a starting salary in the 60k range, with a potential to grow to well over 100k a year. Financial freedom will happen for me...hopefully sooner than later.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Honestly? Down in the dumps...
There come points in my life where I literally feel "in the dumps." There is so much negative, or not so desirable circumstances, that it's extremely difficult to keep pushing on with a positive attitude. It's hard to feel an "attitude of gratitude" when there seems to be little going right--when even the positives appear to have their corresponding negatives.
These times seem to happen when there's personal loss, or realization of personal stupidity or misdirection. Not fun... Not fun at all.
Let's start with the misdirection. Getting laid off from not just an enjoyable job, but one that feels like it's your ticket to having the perfectly suitable career, is right up close to the top of my list of personal tragedies throughout my life. I believe I'm still in a time of mourning the loss. And it makes it harder that it appears I may be taking a step back in that arena because I may be taking a job with yet another call center that undervalues their agents. Definitely a faith-trying occurrence.
The loss of this job, and the results of this new job-hunt have put me in a questioning frenzy. I have too much time to think, and re-think consequentially, about my career direction. Do I really belong in the A/V industry--at least in this capacity, or with this company? Maybe this is God's way of telling me that he disapproves...?
I am considering the pursuit of higher education. I have seriously considered a few different options, among them being: MBA, Master of Science in Media Forensics (from UC Denver), or a Master of Science in Multimedia Engineering (from UC Santa Barbara). I will want to specialize in something... I'm just not so sure as to what yet. As I discussed these options with Bethany, I told her my main concerns. Money, a place to live, and the fact that I'd have to leave her--even if it would only be a couple of years. She said that she'd come with me and uproot, but I'm not so sure that that would be on the table anymore. We'll see. She's currently not talking to me at the moment for reasons that shall not be discussed in particular here... this, too, however, will pass. I hope.
Girlfriend not talking to me, job crisis, career pursuit hanging in the balance... is there more? Unfortunately for me, yes, there's more.
I have always professed to have a very deeply rooted testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I have to admit, I have not done a very good job living it. In fact, I've done a pretty crappy job as of late. It seems I've been in a decline... a slippery slide downward and away from having the Spirit in my life...at all. It depresses me more and more as I keep thinking about it, yet, I'm still terrified of falling to my knees and talking with my Father in Heaven. My happiness is slipping... and I know it's because I haven't been as active--mind, body, and soul--in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's not that I don't want to per se... it's just...complicated. Well, maybe it's not as complicated as I think it is. Maybe it's just about DOING, and not THINKING so much.
That's another problem. In my analytical nature, I think far more than I should. Or, maybe I'm just thinking about the wrong things.
I've subconsciously set worldly priorities above heavenly pursuits, and it is pulling me down big time.
So what's the answer...? I need to re-set my priorities, and put them where I can see them day in, and day out. Right where I can see them, and I won't miss them when I wake up in the morning, or am getting ready for bed at night. Set reminders on my phone? That could work... I also need to create a vision board. Bethany and I have all the stuff to do it, so hopefully she'll be talking to me again soon so we can work on both of ours together. And then I just need to be more vigilant in seeking out more uplifting activities and materials in my life, be better about not only "saying my prayers", but actually TALKING to my Father. The importance of communicating with Him at this time in my (and Bethany's) life, couldn't be overstated. We NEED His presence, individually, and collectively when we're together. We can't make it to the Lord's House to be sealed without having an intimate relationship with our Savior and Father, and until we have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost back in our lives. I need a cleansing. I need to get back on track... I need my Savior.
I realize that I've been leaning on Bethany too much for support and comfort... the exact thing that I have been afraid of this whole time has come to reality. Yes, it is healthy to lean on your significant other in times of need... but not ALL the time. Granted, I don't lean on her all the time... but a significant amount, that's for sure. And it's become increasingly more as time passes. It's not healthy to lean so much on your significant other so that she is suffocating under the pressure. That's what I feel could be happening in this situation. I've been looking to her for so much emotional and spiritual support, that I'm sure she's buckling under the weight. I need to even the weight out a little more. I need to turn to my Savior more. Turn to the Church/the Gospel to help out... to be the balance, the rock, the glue that helps hold everything together.
When I was with Bethany last, I looked her square in the eyes and told her that the adversary is doing so much to try and bring me down now--that it's moved into the realm of being personal. I am waging a war on the adversary... telling him to GET OUT of my life.......else he ruins it before it even really starts. The adversary knows that this is a pivotal time. He KNOWS that now is the time to attack... to find something to bring me down further. I'm not giving him the slack he needs to hang me.......like I said, this has become personal. Bring it on you selfish little prick. I don't deserve to be miserable like you. Get thee hence. My flesh may be weak, and my spirit battered and torn, but you will NOT take what's most important to me away... you will not keep it away from me any longer. Get thee hence. Leave me, leave my life, leave my relationship with Bethany. Go AWAY.
Bethany and I also talked about consciously thinking each time that we're together (even if we're alone) that the Savior is with us--that he is observing everything we do. Not only that, but we need to invite the Spirit into our presence each time we are together and not participate in activities that would drive Him away. You would think this is common sense in the Gospel--because it's something we both learned from a very young age, and why have we not been doing it...? Well, it's easy to get complacent. It's easy to think, oh, everything is fine.. we don't need to invite the Spirit in, I'm content just being with Bethany (and vice versa). With what we're trying to do, that's not okay. We need that reassurance, not just for the fact that we're "inviting the Spirit" in... but for the fact that we need to acknowledge that He is there, and put our minds and bodies on guard for the battle that will ensue to ensnare our senses and try to bring us down.
I love Bethany too much to lose her. I cannot, and I will not lose this love of my life. I commit, and re-commit, and commit all over again to myself, my God, and my Bethany--my eventual Goddess.
The loss of this job, and the results of this new job-hunt have put me in a questioning frenzy. I have too much time to think, and re-think consequentially, about my career direction. Do I really belong in the A/V industry--at least in this capacity, or with this company? Maybe this is God's way of telling me that he disapproves...?
I am considering the pursuit of higher education. I have seriously considered a few different options, among them being: MBA, Master of Science in Media Forensics (from UC Denver), or a Master of Science in Multimedia Engineering (from UC Santa Barbara). I will want to specialize in something... I'm just not so sure as to what yet. As I discussed these options with Bethany, I told her my main concerns. Money, a place to live, and the fact that I'd have to leave her--even if it would only be a couple of years. She said that she'd come with me and uproot, but I'm not so sure that that would be on the table anymore. We'll see. She's currently not talking to me at the moment for reasons that shall not be discussed in particular here... this, too, however, will pass. I hope.
Girlfriend not talking to me, job crisis, career pursuit hanging in the balance... is there more? Unfortunately for me, yes, there's more.
I have always professed to have a very deeply rooted testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I have to admit, I have not done a very good job living it. In fact, I've done a pretty crappy job as of late. It seems I've been in a decline... a slippery slide downward and away from having the Spirit in my life...at all. It depresses me more and more as I keep thinking about it, yet, I'm still terrified of falling to my knees and talking with my Father in Heaven. My happiness is slipping... and I know it's because I haven't been as active--mind, body, and soul--in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's not that I don't want to per se... it's just...complicated. Well, maybe it's not as complicated as I think it is. Maybe it's just about DOING, and not THINKING so much.
That's another problem. In my analytical nature, I think far more than I should. Or, maybe I'm just thinking about the wrong things.
I've subconsciously set worldly priorities above heavenly pursuits, and it is pulling me down big time.
So what's the answer...? I need to re-set my priorities, and put them where I can see them day in, and day out. Right where I can see them, and I won't miss them when I wake up in the morning, or am getting ready for bed at night. Set reminders on my phone? That could work... I also need to create a vision board. Bethany and I have all the stuff to do it, so hopefully she'll be talking to me again soon so we can work on both of ours together. And then I just need to be more vigilant in seeking out more uplifting activities and materials in my life, be better about not only "saying my prayers", but actually TALKING to my Father. The importance of communicating with Him at this time in my (and Bethany's) life, couldn't be overstated. We NEED His presence, individually, and collectively when we're together. We can't make it to the Lord's House to be sealed without having an intimate relationship with our Savior and Father, and until we have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost back in our lives. I need a cleansing. I need to get back on track... I need my Savior.
I realize that I've been leaning on Bethany too much for support and comfort... the exact thing that I have been afraid of this whole time has come to reality. Yes, it is healthy to lean on your significant other in times of need... but not ALL the time. Granted, I don't lean on her all the time... but a significant amount, that's for sure. And it's become increasingly more as time passes. It's not healthy to lean so much on your significant other so that she is suffocating under the pressure. That's what I feel could be happening in this situation. I've been looking to her for so much emotional and spiritual support, that I'm sure she's buckling under the weight. I need to even the weight out a little more. I need to turn to my Savior more. Turn to the Church/the Gospel to help out... to be the balance, the rock, the glue that helps hold everything together.
When I was with Bethany last, I looked her square in the eyes and told her that the adversary is doing so much to try and bring me down now--that it's moved into the realm of being personal. I am waging a war on the adversary... telling him to GET OUT of my life.......else he ruins it before it even really starts. The adversary knows that this is a pivotal time. He KNOWS that now is the time to attack... to find something to bring me down further. I'm not giving him the slack he needs to hang me.......like I said, this has become personal. Bring it on you selfish little prick. I don't deserve to be miserable like you. Get thee hence. My flesh may be weak, and my spirit battered and torn, but you will NOT take what's most important to me away... you will not keep it away from me any longer. Get thee hence. Leave me, leave my life, leave my relationship with Bethany. Go AWAY.
Bethany and I also talked about consciously thinking each time that we're together (even if we're alone) that the Savior is with us--that he is observing everything we do. Not only that, but we need to invite the Spirit into our presence each time we are together and not participate in activities that would drive Him away. You would think this is common sense in the Gospel--because it's something we both learned from a very young age, and why have we not been doing it...? Well, it's easy to get complacent. It's easy to think, oh, everything is fine.. we don't need to invite the Spirit in, I'm content just being with Bethany (and vice versa). With what we're trying to do, that's not okay. We need that reassurance, not just for the fact that we're "inviting the Spirit" in... but for the fact that we need to acknowledge that He is there, and put our minds and bodies on guard for the battle that will ensue to ensnare our senses and try to bring us down.
I love Bethany too much to lose her. I cannot, and I will not lose this love of my life. I commit, and re-commit, and commit all over again to myself, my God, and my Bethany--my eventual Goddess.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Square One
It's at times like these that I feel absolutely incapable of going anywhere significant in life. I'm almost 27, and I just lost my job a couple weeks ago... now the reality that I may not be heading the right direction is settling in--relentlessly. It seems as if I was doing so good in the direction I was going with 4Home Control, that the universe threw on the breaks and said, "NOPE!"
So I'm back to square one...maybe. I don't know if my "dreams" or aspirations are even realistic at this point. I see a few of my friends from school succeeding, but they have had an "in" at one point or another. Yes, some of them may have created their in, but I guess that's another area in which I've failed.
I have a Bachelor of Science in Digital Media, with emphasis in Audio Production. This degree sounded impressive to me only for about the first year or so after I achieved it. Now it's just a piece of paper, and hasn't gotten me anywhere past knowing a lot about something that I may never be very respected in. The key term here is "may" never. It is still possible that I could, out of some unexpected turn of events, land a job, or meet someone--or something that will put me on track to being what my little heart desires most... which is to become a respected music engineer/producer.
Ever since I was 18 or so, and Michael Blinco introduced me to the art of recording sound/music, I've been obsessed with it ever since. I've gone from having a mini-disc recorder with a crappy little Sony electret-condenser microphone (which I was proud of at the time), to an Mbox 2, now to an M-Audio Profire 2626, which is gigged out with external preamps, great sounding microphones and monitor speakers, and plugin processors (half of which I downloaded illegally to try). My brothers and I have just recorded about 8 songs, 4 of which we plan on releasing to friends and family soon... but I'm not happy with them yet. The problem is that I've realized something. Without the right equipment, the right room(s), enough time, and the right talent, a project like the one we're trying to tackle takes a century... and even then, doesn't really sound as good as I had hoped because I don't have every tool an engineer dreams of at my disposal. In fact, I really wish I could just simply trade in my Profire for a Focusrite Forte interface. Then I would be set, minus the fact that I need a new Macbook Pro. This one has served me well the last few years (5 years actually), but it's time for an upgrade because my computer just can't handle the heat I put it through on projects like this. I have had a vision for my perfect studio/sound setup, but I don't even know if it would be worth it because another problem is that the music recording industry is in crisis right now.
The music recording industry has been getting increasingly over-saturated with "engineers". Most of the time, it's just members of bands, or people who like music a lot that just start recording music--people who have no knowledgebase of anything audio that throw together some equipment and try to make music that sounds good. Since equipment has become more and more portable, and less and less expensive, more and more of these "engineers" keep cropping up. They charge much less (if anything), so it makes it hard for those of us who actually know what they're doing to find jobs because people just don't pay enough anymore. Some of the bigger studios have gone out of business, while others are kept afloat by loyal artists who sponsor them.
So I'm back to square one...maybe. I don't know if my "dreams" or aspirations are even realistic at this point. I see a few of my friends from school succeeding, but they have had an "in" at one point or another. Yes, some of them may have created their in, but I guess that's another area in which I've failed.
I have a Bachelor of Science in Digital Media, with emphasis in Audio Production. This degree sounded impressive to me only for about the first year or so after I achieved it. Now it's just a piece of paper, and hasn't gotten me anywhere past knowing a lot about something that I may never be very respected in. The key term here is "may" never. It is still possible that I could, out of some unexpected turn of events, land a job, or meet someone--or something that will put me on track to being what my little heart desires most... which is to become a respected music engineer/producer.
Ever since I was 18 or so, and Michael Blinco introduced me to the art of recording sound/music, I've been obsessed with it ever since. I've gone from having a mini-disc recorder with a crappy little Sony electret-condenser microphone (which I was proud of at the time), to an Mbox 2, now to an M-Audio Profire 2626, which is gigged out with external preamps, great sounding microphones and monitor speakers, and plugin processors (half of which I downloaded illegally to try). My brothers and I have just recorded about 8 songs, 4 of which we plan on releasing to friends and family soon... but I'm not happy with them yet. The problem is that I've realized something. Without the right equipment, the right room(s), enough time, and the right talent, a project like the one we're trying to tackle takes a century... and even then, doesn't really sound as good as I had hoped because I don't have every tool an engineer dreams of at my disposal. In fact, I really wish I could just simply trade in my Profire for a Focusrite Forte interface. Then I would be set, minus the fact that I need a new Macbook Pro. This one has served me well the last few years (5 years actually), but it's time for an upgrade because my computer just can't handle the heat I put it through on projects like this. I have had a vision for my perfect studio/sound setup, but I don't even know if it would be worth it because another problem is that the music recording industry is in crisis right now.
The music recording industry has been getting increasingly over-saturated with "engineers". Most of the time, it's just members of bands, or people who like music a lot that just start recording music--people who have no knowledgebase of anything audio that throw together some equipment and try to make music that sounds good. Since equipment has become more and more portable, and less and less expensive, more and more of these "engineers" keep cropping up. They charge much less (if anything), so it makes it hard for those of us who actually know what they're doing to find jobs because people just don't pay enough anymore. Some of the bigger studios have gone out of business, while others are kept afloat by loyal artists who sponsor them.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not doing it for the money... I'm doing it because I love it. Either way, if I end up doing this for a living, or not.. I will still do it on the side just for the fact that it's so enjoyable and rewarding for me. I was considering selling some of my equipment that still holds resale value... I think I'll hold on to it all. Who knows, I'll probably end up using all of it still on my future decked-out studio. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I should have another job here soon.. Not sure with which company yet, but it'll be good to have a full time job again. I'll still be working piece-rate for Justin and 4Home Control, but it will be just a supplemental income and most likely under the table. I have to admit, all of this switching jobs and moving has to calm down. I've gotten fed up with moving and starting over so much. I could use some stability for a change. I'll probably keep this next job for a few years at least--unless I just absolutely loathe it like I did Ancestry.com, or if Justin and the rest of the execs over at 4Home can afford to bring me back on full-time. Or if either company has company-wide layoffs again (Heaven forbid).
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Taking Care of Business...
Dear blog...
It is surprising that even though I've been "unemployed" for about a week and a half now, I am busier than I ever was while I was employed... it's probably because I now have to worry about doing many other things to take care of my financial situation -- like call and meet with creditors to discuss being put on payment plans. I did handle quite a few aspects of the situation today, but I still have a few more to go. I feel I have a good system going though to be sure that I am accomplishing what I need to each day. It's actually quite liberating to know that I'm being responsible, and taking care of everything like this, with little-to-no external help...! I love being productive!
So I put italics around the word "unemployed" in the previous paragraph because technically I am employed, but only by the National Guard, and I'm getting paid under the table (SHHHH!!!) as a field technician for 4Home Control, my old company.
It is surprising that even though I've been "unemployed" for about a week and a half now, I am busier than I ever was while I was employed... it's probably because I now have to worry about doing many other things to take care of my financial situation -- like call and meet with creditors to discuss being put on payment plans. I did handle quite a few aspects of the situation today, but I still have a few more to go. I feel I have a good system going though to be sure that I am accomplishing what I need to each day. It's actually quite liberating to know that I'm being responsible, and taking care of everything like this, with little-to-no external help...! I love being productive!
So I put italics around the word "unemployed" in the previous paragraph because technically I am employed, but only by the National Guard, and I'm getting paid under the table (SHHHH!!!) as a field technician for 4Home Control, my old company.
4Home Control... I wish I could divulge everything that I know about what has been happening with this, my prior employer, but I shan't merely because it is sensitive information currently. All I can say is that the investor pulled funds, that I was laid off, and that I'm now on unemployment, but still working under the table for them until I either can be brought on salary again with the company, or find another job. I am definitely holding off as long as I can to find another job, however, because I really, REALLY enjoy working under Justin, and for this company. More to come...
I "just" moved to the other side of the basement at the Donosso residence (Technically, I moved in here about a month and a half ago, but it's taken this long to get things done, situated, and set up). I'm still not completely set up -- I still have to move more storage stuff under the stairs, organize the front room how I want it, move the entertainment stuff out of my room into there, and finally deep clean and vacuum the place entirely. I should be able to accomplish these things by the end of the week, but we'll see how THAT goes...
I am happy to announce that this Saturday will mark 6 months (to the day) that I have been officially together with Bethany Childress. Man, time has flown by and it seems like just yesterday that we were sitting in the movie theater at University Mall watching "Les Miserables" (the one with Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean). Good times, good times. It has been a great, but sometimes rocky six months, that's for sure. We've experienced multiple personal and relationship issues (mostly personal, but yeah, some relationship), but not enough to be too concerned. I can honestly say at this point that I will stand by this woman for as long as she'll have me... through all Eternity...? Sold! We had a very good experience together this past Sunday night, where she poured her heart out to me, and shared some deep personal things that I shall never recount (except with her if she brings them up). I am so glad she feels she can trust me with these things... because she can. Always.
To be continued...
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Lackadaisical
Let this be the first post to mark a new chapter in my life... I start my march against laziness that has been creeping into many aspects of my daily living.
Lackadaisical... The nicer term to use when calling someone lazy, is never something to be proud of when that term is used to describe you--especially by someone close to you, or someone who means a lot to you. It can, in fact, be taken either as an insult, or, if you are receptive to their criticism, it can be a great learning/growing opportunity.
My girlfriend, Bethany, and I had a very serious discussion following a recent event that would definitely try our faith in our relationship. Even though the event will remain private, the conversation that would follow sparked these thoughts... Which I will gladly share with you here.
Yes, one of the terms Bethany used to describe me in that discussion was "lackadaisical." She said, in particular, that I have been lackadaisical in our relationship, in many areas...in showing that I truly care about her, and am willing to be there for her in times of need. I admit, I was defensive and a little taken back and surprised at first, but I would soon realize that this must be something that has really been bothering her, and the negative effect that this must have been causing in our relationship...tearing a riff that would in turn cause her to seriously consider if she wants to continue pursuing a lasting relationship with me.
It's true, I have been lackadaisical in our relationship, but that's not where it stops. This laziness is present in many areas of my life... Including, but not limited to: the cleanliness of my car and my apartment, waking up and falling to sleep, keeping up with close friends and even family members, in church responsibilities, and definitely more. In fact, I can only really think of two areas in which I have not been lackadaisical--work and exercise. This is hardly something to be proud of, when you are losing friends and respect after every turn.
How does one change this? Well, it's not easy to break bad habits, or form new good ones...but one has to decide priorities, and not just make the list. Believe me, I've done that numerous times. I have stated, written down, and declared (on many occasions), these priorities. But it takes courage, determination, and perseverance, to really make the change. Am I willing to change?
The first step in this process is realizing that there's a problem. Well, I'll check that one off the list. The next is identifying every area of life that needs attention. Write them down. Prioritize each one and create a realistic game plan to tackle each area one at a time. Be careful not to take on too much at once, or you'll risk that ever-destructive feeling of being "burnt out." That's where I've failed many times. I try to take on too much. That's the perfectionist in me... And it's very destructive. So much so that I've felt it's influence negatively impact me immensely.
If there is one thing that I feel I've been successful at, it's the act of accepting constructive criticism when given. I am incredibly grateful for Bethany Childress. She means so much to me. I admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend to her. I have failed often. I am, however, committed to being better. I can only hope and pray for patience and forgiveness as I make the necessary changes... Either way, the importance can't be overstated.
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