These times seem to happen when there's personal loss, or realization of personal stupidity or misdirection. Not fun... Not fun at all.
Let's start with the misdirection. Getting laid off from not just an enjoyable job, but one that feels like it's your ticket to having the perfectly suitable career, is right up close to the top of my list of personal tragedies throughout my life. I believe I'm still in a time of mourning the loss. And it makes it harder that it appears I may be taking a step back in that arena because I may be taking a job with yet another call center that undervalues their agents. Definitely a faith-trying occurrence.
The loss of this job, and the results of this new job-hunt have put me in a questioning frenzy. I have too much time to think, and re-think consequentially, about my career direction. Do I really belong in the A/V industry--at least in this capacity, or with this company? Maybe this is God's way of telling me that he disapproves...?
I am considering the pursuit of higher education. I have seriously considered a few different options, among them being: MBA, Master of Science in Media Forensics (from UC Denver), or a Master of Science in Multimedia Engineering (from UC Santa Barbara). I will want to specialize in something... I'm just not so sure as to what yet. As I discussed these options with Bethany, I told her my main concerns. Money, a place to live, and the fact that I'd have to leave her--even if it would only be a couple of years. She said that she'd come with me and uproot, but I'm not so sure that that would be on the table anymore. We'll see. She's currently not talking to me at the moment for reasons that shall not be discussed in particular here... this, too, however, will pass. I hope.
Girlfriend not talking to me, job crisis, career pursuit hanging in the balance... is there more? Unfortunately for me, yes, there's more.
I have always professed to have a very deeply rooted testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I have to admit, I have not done a very good job living it. In fact, I've done a pretty crappy job as of late. It seems I've been in a decline... a slippery slide downward and away from having the Spirit in my life...at all. It depresses me more and more as I keep thinking about it, yet, I'm still terrified of falling to my knees and talking with my Father in Heaven. My happiness is slipping... and I know it's because I haven't been as active--mind, body, and soul--in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's not that I don't want to per se... it's just...complicated. Well, maybe it's not as complicated as I think it is. Maybe it's just about DOING, and not THINKING so much.
That's another problem. In my analytical nature, I think far more than I should. Or, maybe I'm just thinking about the wrong things.
I've subconsciously set worldly priorities above heavenly pursuits, and it is pulling me down big time.
So what's the answer...? I need to re-set my priorities, and put them where I can see them day in, and day out. Right where I can see them, and I won't miss them when I wake up in the morning, or am getting ready for bed at night. Set reminders on my phone? That could work... I also need to create a vision board. Bethany and I have all the stuff to do it, so hopefully she'll be talking to me again soon so we can work on both of ours together. And then I just need to be more vigilant in seeking out more uplifting activities and materials in my life, be better about not only "saying my prayers", but actually TALKING to my Father. The importance of communicating with Him at this time in my (and Bethany's) life, couldn't be overstated. We NEED His presence, individually, and collectively when we're together. We can't make it to the Lord's House to be sealed without having an intimate relationship with our Savior and Father, and until we have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost back in our lives. I need a cleansing. I need to get back on track... I need my Savior.
I realize that I've been leaning on Bethany too much for support and comfort... the exact thing that I have been afraid of this whole time has come to reality. Yes, it is healthy to lean on your significant other in times of need... but not ALL the time. Granted, I don't lean on her all the time... but a significant amount, that's for sure. And it's become increasingly more as time passes. It's not healthy to lean so much on your significant other so that she is suffocating under the pressure. That's what I feel could be happening in this situation. I've been looking to her for so much emotional and spiritual support, that I'm sure she's buckling under the weight. I need to even the weight out a little more. I need to turn to my Savior more. Turn to the Church/the Gospel to help out... to be the balance, the rock, the glue that helps hold everything together.
When I was with Bethany last, I looked her square in the eyes and told her that the adversary is doing so much to try and bring me down now--that it's moved into the realm of being personal. I am waging a war on the adversary... telling him to GET OUT of my life.......else he ruins it before it even really starts. The adversary knows that this is a pivotal time. He KNOWS that now is the time to attack... to find something to bring me down further. I'm not giving him the slack he needs to hang me.......like I said, this has become personal. Bring it on you selfish little prick. I don't deserve to be miserable like you. Get thee hence. My flesh may be weak, and my spirit battered and torn, but you will NOT take what's most important to me away... you will not keep it away from me any longer. Get thee hence. Leave me, leave my life, leave my relationship with Bethany. Go AWAY.
Bethany and I also talked about consciously thinking each time that we're together (even if we're alone) that the Savior is with us--that he is observing everything we do. Not only that, but we need to invite the Spirit into our presence each time we are together and not participate in activities that would drive Him away. You would think this is common sense in the Gospel--because it's something we both learned from a very young age, and why have we not been doing it...? Well, it's easy to get complacent. It's easy to think, oh, everything is fine.. we don't need to invite the Spirit in, I'm content just being with Bethany (and vice versa). With what we're trying to do, that's not okay. We need that reassurance, not just for the fact that we're "inviting the Spirit" in... but for the fact that we need to acknowledge that He is there, and put our minds and bodies on guard for the battle that will ensue to ensnare our senses and try to bring us down.
I love Bethany too much to lose her. I cannot, and I will not lose this love of my life. I commit, and re-commit, and commit all over again to myself, my God, and my Bethany--my eventual Goddess.
The loss of this job, and the results of this new job-hunt have put me in a questioning frenzy. I have too much time to think, and re-think consequentially, about my career direction. Do I really belong in the A/V industry--at least in this capacity, or with this company? Maybe this is God's way of telling me that he disapproves...?
I am considering the pursuit of higher education. I have seriously considered a few different options, among them being: MBA, Master of Science in Media Forensics (from UC Denver), or a Master of Science in Multimedia Engineering (from UC Santa Barbara). I will want to specialize in something... I'm just not so sure as to what yet. As I discussed these options with Bethany, I told her my main concerns. Money, a place to live, and the fact that I'd have to leave her--even if it would only be a couple of years. She said that she'd come with me and uproot, but I'm not so sure that that would be on the table anymore. We'll see. She's currently not talking to me at the moment for reasons that shall not be discussed in particular here... this, too, however, will pass. I hope.
Girlfriend not talking to me, job crisis, career pursuit hanging in the balance... is there more? Unfortunately for me, yes, there's more.
I have always professed to have a very deeply rooted testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I have to admit, I have not done a very good job living it. In fact, I've done a pretty crappy job as of late. It seems I've been in a decline... a slippery slide downward and away from having the Spirit in my life...at all. It depresses me more and more as I keep thinking about it, yet, I'm still terrified of falling to my knees and talking with my Father in Heaven. My happiness is slipping... and I know it's because I haven't been as active--mind, body, and soul--in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's not that I don't want to per se... it's just...complicated. Well, maybe it's not as complicated as I think it is. Maybe it's just about DOING, and not THINKING so much.
That's another problem. In my analytical nature, I think far more than I should. Or, maybe I'm just thinking about the wrong things.
I've subconsciously set worldly priorities above heavenly pursuits, and it is pulling me down big time.
So what's the answer...? I need to re-set my priorities, and put them where I can see them day in, and day out. Right where I can see them, and I won't miss them when I wake up in the morning, or am getting ready for bed at night. Set reminders on my phone? That could work... I also need to create a vision board. Bethany and I have all the stuff to do it, so hopefully she'll be talking to me again soon so we can work on both of ours together. And then I just need to be more vigilant in seeking out more uplifting activities and materials in my life, be better about not only "saying my prayers", but actually TALKING to my Father. The importance of communicating with Him at this time in my (and Bethany's) life, couldn't be overstated. We NEED His presence, individually, and collectively when we're together. We can't make it to the Lord's House to be sealed without having an intimate relationship with our Savior and Father, and until we have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost back in our lives. I need a cleansing. I need to get back on track... I need my Savior.
I realize that I've been leaning on Bethany too much for support and comfort... the exact thing that I have been afraid of this whole time has come to reality. Yes, it is healthy to lean on your significant other in times of need... but not ALL the time. Granted, I don't lean on her all the time... but a significant amount, that's for sure. And it's become increasingly more as time passes. It's not healthy to lean so much on your significant other so that she is suffocating under the pressure. That's what I feel could be happening in this situation. I've been looking to her for so much emotional and spiritual support, that I'm sure she's buckling under the weight. I need to even the weight out a little more. I need to turn to my Savior more. Turn to the Church/the Gospel to help out... to be the balance, the rock, the glue that helps hold everything together.
When I was with Bethany last, I looked her square in the eyes and told her that the adversary is doing so much to try and bring me down now--that it's moved into the realm of being personal. I am waging a war on the adversary... telling him to GET OUT of my life.......else he ruins it before it even really starts. The adversary knows that this is a pivotal time. He KNOWS that now is the time to attack... to find something to bring me down further. I'm not giving him the slack he needs to hang me.......like I said, this has become personal. Bring it on you selfish little prick. I don't deserve to be miserable like you. Get thee hence. My flesh may be weak, and my spirit battered and torn, but you will NOT take what's most important to me away... you will not keep it away from me any longer. Get thee hence. Leave me, leave my life, leave my relationship with Bethany. Go AWAY.
Bethany and I also talked about consciously thinking each time that we're together (even if we're alone) that the Savior is with us--that he is observing everything we do. Not only that, but we need to invite the Spirit into our presence each time we are together and not participate in activities that would drive Him away. You would think this is common sense in the Gospel--because it's something we both learned from a very young age, and why have we not been doing it...? Well, it's easy to get complacent. It's easy to think, oh, everything is fine.. we don't need to invite the Spirit in, I'm content just being with Bethany (and vice versa). With what we're trying to do, that's not okay. We need that reassurance, not just for the fact that we're "inviting the Spirit" in... but for the fact that we need to acknowledge that He is there, and put our minds and bodies on guard for the battle that will ensue to ensnare our senses and try to bring us down.
I love Bethany too much to lose her. I cannot, and I will not lose this love of my life. I commit, and re-commit, and commit all over again to myself, my God, and my Bethany--my eventual Goddess.
No comments:
Post a Comment